The Rapture is slated to arrive today, so says Harold Camping, who also predicted the world would cease to exist in 1994.

As the end of the world must be imminent, or at the very least, the end of society as we know it, we here at TIC have put together a “surviving China after doomsday” guide. The guide consists of 10 easy steps to follow in order to ensure your survival should chaos, beyond that of the usual in China, occur.

1. Find yourself an old person, the older the better. Old Chinese people are hardy, they survived the Cultural Revolution, the Great Leap Forward, and the modernization of China. They’ve got survival skills so ingrained in their being they can make vegetables grow out of even the most polluted soil. Hope you’ve brushed up on your Chinese because most old people here don’t speak a lick of English.

2. Don’t rely on the government. Those bad boys will be too busy taking care of themselves to worry about you and your safety.

3. Stock up on food. All those nasty looking dried ducks, dogs,  pig legs, and fish you’ve seen hanging on various porches are suddenly not going to be looking so bad. This is where your old person comes in handy, they know exactly how to make that suddenly delicious looking dried meat. Canned food is not too common here in China, so keep an eye out for jarred goods instead. Nothing like some pickled lotus when you’re slowly starving to death.

4. Hoard water. Northern China is currently experiencing a water shortage and has been for quite a few years, if you’re up there I recommend moving south. If you’re in the south you’re in luck! However, any water collected from rivers and lakes is sure to be extremely polluted as most of the factories in China are located in the southern provinces. Figuring out some kind of filtration device is your best bet. Hope you went to school for engineering!

5. Learn self defense. There are no privately owned guns in China, other than the ones used by the Chinese mafia, so you’re pretty much screwed if you were planning on relying on one of those.  Also, every Chinese person knows kung fu. Seriously, haven’t you seen Big Trouble in Little China? Those guys aren’t even in China and they’re having serious kung fu battles, can you even imagine what it’s like here? Your old person should be able to teach you a bit of kung fu (or gongfu as it’s known here) or at the very least some tai chi. If you’re still not feeling confident about your self defense skills you may want to try to find a sword or fashion your own weapon.

6. Buy cooking oil in bulk. That golden yellow liquid is just like, well, gold, in China. Forays to a supermarket with oil on sale will reveal hundreds of Chinese stocking up on bottles of one of the most essential components of Chinese cooking. This stuff will most likely become the currency of choice during an apocalyptic event so make sure to pick up some today!

7. Raid a pharmacy. As most cities in China sell medicines as powerful as antibiotics and viagra over the counter, taking some time out of your day to pick those up may be beneficial. If you’ve been in China for awhile you may well already have these in supply since the idea of braving a Chinese hospital is almost as bad as the apocalypse itself.

8. Get yourself some baijiu. You can buy it for as little as 3rmb a bottle and it even comes in a squirt bottle if you so choose. The liquor of choice for many Chinese, this stuff multi-tasks  as currency,  lighter-fluid, and a way to knock yourself into a stupor every night. Because let’s face it, no one really wants to be sober for the apocalypse.

9. Purchase a bicycle, this pretty much speaks for itself. There won’t be gas available so your best bet for transportation is a bike. Trick that bad boy out with some protective type gear like spikes and you’ll be straight rollin’ in style and safety.

10. Come up with an exit plan.  As we’ve stated previously, this country has more than a billion people, that’s more than 1,330,044,605 seeking out the same basic resources as you. Getting out to a less populated country increases your chance of survival quite a bit. China is surrounded by a plethora to choose from North Korea, Mongolia, Laos, Thailand, Myanmar… Figure out your escape plan and execute it, ASAP.

We’ll see ya’ll in Thailand!

 

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